Holding Patterns

A Reflection on turning 30

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Holding Patterns

A Reflection By Ameema Saeed

I just turned 30, and as an introspective, almost painfully self-aware person, that means I’ve been doing a LOT of self-reflection… I’ve been thinking about what it means to me to turn 30, and about what the past 30 years have meant to me… And the truth is: I never thought I’d make it here.

After an appointment with my therapist a few months ago, I was reflecting on the ways I hold myself back from things - from pursuing things that excite me; from giving myself the freedom to want; from feeling like I deserved things… The more I thought about it, the more confused and frustrated I became — why, when it came to thinking about or allowing myself future plans - did i feel so stuck? So confused? So uncertain? Why didn’t I know what I wanted? Why couldn’t I picture my life ahead of me?

Was I just aimless? Did I just… not care about my future? How could this be?

As a formerly ‘gifted’ Capricorn, and a competitive-to-a-fault perfectionist — I was angry and in disbelief... How could I not know what I wanted? How could I (who creates the cottage planning spreadsheet before we’ve even decided on a date) not have planned my life out better? Why did it feel like I was the only one who hadn’t figured out what I wanted, or even HOW to want.

Whenever someone asked my future plans, I’d get anxious, and clam up, and pull something vague out of my ass. Something in books maybe… I want to start my own business… But the truth is, I’d never really given myself the space or freedom to think about it. I’d lose myself in my daydreams, and never give myself the opportunity to live my real life… 

I was stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for some kind of sign in order to let my life begin.

For so much of my life, I have felt unmoored, directionless, & lost. Like I had no future, and therefore no reason to think about it.

When I was younger, I had such a hard time picturing my future, that I used to tell people I thought I was going to die young. And honestly? I think I planned to.

I struggled with mental illness for a long time in my teens and early 20s — miserable, anxious, scared, numb, and slowly unravelling…. I was full of self-loathing, and self-doubt. I didn’t think I deserved to live, and didn’t feel like I had anything to live for. When I pictured my future, it was a black hole. A void of nothingness. 

However, as I reflect on the last 30 years — full of joys and love, fears and struggles, laughter and tears — I realized that in my teenage and young adult years, when my mental health was at its worst, I never thought I’d make it out of that darkness…

I never thought that I’d make it this far.

For a long time, I was suicidal — struggling with my mental illness, struggling with school, with life, and with my relationships. I felt unloved and unable to love. I felt useless and worthless, and suffocated by the weight of my anxieties, my fears, and the world around me. As I struggled my way through university, I was miserable, drowning, feeling like there was no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel that was my life.

I spent so much time holding a part of myself back — in every decision, and every future plan, everything felt temporary… I held myself back from any kind of commitment, any kind of investment in my future. This included the little things, like never feeling like I deserved to spend money on myself (I’ve overcorrected a bit too hard on that one); To being unable to make decisions about my future – from choosing my field of study, to trying to decide on a career path & pursue it – I was just going through the motions. I was highly suggestible & desperate for direction, so it felt like every few months I’d landed on something new – a teacher, a doctor, a psychologist, working at a nonprofit, an event planner, a nurse – I was all over the place… It felt like I didn’t deserve nice things, like I didn’t have a future ahead of me, so it didn’t really matter what I decided to do with my life. 

I couldn’t find my way to any kind of path — I was scared and stuck, getting swept down a river of fear and misery, where it felt like the only way out was under.

The truth is, I never thought I’d live past my early 20s… And now that I’m 30, every year feels like a miracle.

Here I am – thirty years old, and alive. Not only alive, but I think I’m kind of thriving?! 

I’ve got an incredible community, my support system is huge, and I am so surrounded by love and laughter, and kindness and support that it’s overwhelming. I have found my people – and every single day I count myself as lucky to have done so.

I am capable. I have built an incredible life for myself already – I have started pursuing writing as a career, and now I get paid to write ?!?!? I have turned my love of reading into a community, a passion, and a career. I’ve found myself in a job that challenges me, which I really LOVE. 

I have learned how to advocate for myself and for others, how to speak up against injustice and oppression, how to have difficult conversations, and how to take a stand. 

I’ve taken ownership of my mental health – and found a therapist who understands where I’m coming from, and I have GROWN. I am now stronger, better at communicating and articulating my feelings, self-aware, empathetic with myself, and most importantly, I have decided I am worthy of love, life, and joy. 

I have lived, laughed, loved my heart out, and now I’m in this terrifying and beautiful place where I have turned thirty and am realizing that I have my whole life in front of me.  

Now, as I ring in a new year, and a new decade, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief at the things I missed out on while waiting for my life to begin. Overwhelmed with the magnitude of every day, every memory, every year I never expected to have… Overwhelmed with possibility, as I start to imagine a life, a future for myself. 

Most importantly, I am overwhelmed with love – from my community of friends and family, who have quite literally saved my life. Love for myself – patience and empathy for the me who didn’t think she would make it this far – the one who didn’t intend to. Love for the me I have become, the one who is open to a new world of possibilities ahead of me… And love for the me I’m going to become… I can’t wait to meet her.